My mood had elevated, slightly. But now we’re back to square one.
I think I performed at 110% for so long that I broke something, because I am so tired of everybody. I’m tired of your shit. I am tired of explaining, with pin point precision, exactly what the problem is and how to fix it… and having you do nothing but repeat the same shit.
I’ve been circling around “pondering” some big changes for awhile. I’ve sat still. Pondered. Waited. Deliberated. Now it is time to implement. Of course, to most— even those closest to me —it will appear as though out of the blue I snapped.
Just know, everything is cumulative. If I ever were to snap, who knows what that would look like. Nope— everything will happen and has been thought out.
I think this is some iteration of the “INFJ door slam” involving a crowded room.
2020 is the year of perfect vision.
Time to go!
This week’s earlier blog was going to be a bonus. But I am feeling really down/low at the moment. So it will serve as this week’s. I did commit to writing every Wednesday… so this is it:
Sometimes we all need a break.
I wanted to elaborate on “right situations” for myself.
I used to liken my inner world, inner balance, and “true north” to a recording studio control room. A massive and large one.
You cannot attend to all controls at all times. You have to change and calibrate them constantly. Sometimes you need help. Sometimes you need to move around the room.
Sometimes there is no help. Because— by this “control room” metaphor you’re totally fucking alone, and you are mixing and mastering… praying to god it sounds “good.” How I have been tone deaf over the years.
Sometimes for yourself. And who cares the outcome!
Sometimes for AND to placate somebody else and whatever their agenda might be.
Maybe the better metaphor is a mobile studio… A small little 8-track and you’re trying to record outside a busy airport… removing the plane sounds from whet you’ve captured. ← this is an unavoidable, but incorrect situation to be in. It’s probably harder then being alone in a massive room, because there are things getting in the way… making it impossible to be objective. To have a moment…To deliberate.
I’ve begun to realize that I can’t always do that. But I still have to try. Sorry I said no to the trip to watching those planes land. It is truly magical.
I should hire an editor.
My apologies to my poor friend who I word vomited on tonight. Right context is the subject matter… Right. To the point. Already lost you.
Alcohol does not make me any more coherent/cogent. 😉
Either I just had a great conversation or the other person humored me. That’s the DOES in DOES (see this term as it relates to Highly Sensitivity). I don’t really fucking know at the end of that day.
But I left feeling great. I was passionate. I felt like I had given meaningful advice or at the very least— bandying of ideas.
Then the doubt police visited when I got into my car. Had I over stepped my bounds? Was I judgemental? Did I misread the situation?
…brings the subject of today in focus:
-Puting myself in the right situations-
One can only attend to this spiral of: Depth of professing, Overstimulation, Empathy, and Sensitivity to stimuli by first being in the right situations (not an Uber with drunk lascivious gays, and many other iterations of this in life).
The real trouble is— when the stars align it is great… and my immediate “alone in the car” reaction would not be to over process. But sometimes— this night I did genuinely connect… in a safe situation… and I will still over process. “DOES!”
And sometimes I force myself for the sake of “normalcy” I force myself to play-along in the not-so-empty car. Ubering on New Years Eve.
The onus is on me to know when to call the game.
…stretch myself, But respect boundaries I should have known well by know.
But high sensitivity is high caution, and I could be wrong. How dare I be wrong (“learned shame”).
When I was thinking about what my first entry would be I had a multitude of ideas each competing for the spot. Each idea really great until staring at a blank page. Holy run on sentence Batman!
Last night… my second “Uber eve” I had the usual collection of drunk folks. Nothing out of the ordinary really. However, I had two trips with some gay guys, who were probably well meaning, but ultimately left my skin crawling.
Ordinarily I take objectification for what it is— something in which we all tend to participate. A sort of natural fuckery (by product) or our brains… However, the particular emotional state I was in last night —lent this version of power dynamics (see “good customer service rules”) particular weight and bearing on my affect.
“Hey, we’ve been in this car before”
“Not to be rude but are you gay?”
“Feel free to come here (destination) again after you’re done”
Triggering… since a lifetime of inherently “social” work (lots of retail) has put me in this very place before. This time, essentially, I am the business owner. This is my car. This is my safety. Do I make a pointed comment? Set a boundary?
…no. I’ll awkwardly engage in banter (if you’ve ever met me you’ll know the shit show that was).
I guess that’s what you do to maintain that 4.98 rating. Because standing up for yourself, especially when your “reactivity” is identified as a problem (see “identified patient”) is rendered impossible.
But really, these situations exist and abide. The monster in the closet eventually finds its way under the bed and so on… so a future entry on finding safe and healthy settings to exist is in order (I stopped driving after this event).
In the coming writings I will explore my high sensitivity (see “Highly Sensitive Person”) and my Introverted nature. I do this with the intention of accurately portraying this world, my inner world.
Each who identifies similarly has likely come to a set of conclusions:
1- internet memes and self help blogs about this subject are crap.
Because 2- we’re all different.
3- and within that difference and within our group there are those of us who don’t feel and know we aren’t broken except when…
We’re in a car. You’re being overtly sexual. And you’re taking advantage of the big ass E “Empath” dump-your-shit-here invitation printed in ink only you can see… I think mine is on the back of my head.
So here we will outline the continuum of extremes I exist on. misunderstood, sometimes isolated, and definitely more vulnerable I’ve been in “public” in a long time.