I thought that we had put it past us… that an era was over. Boy was I wrong. In so many ways I’m not surprised. You teach people what you’ll tolerate and allow and so far all I’ve done is reward such toxic and abusive behavior.
I guess since I’m so honest and, frankly, blunt I just assume others are honest. I can wrap my head around building a life with a person predicated on lie after lie.
I have been weak— avoiding the inevitable. But it is time now, to move on and forward.
Can’t say I didn’t try.
With everything going on I forgot my blog. 🙁
There’s so much and so little to say at the same time. I don’t even know where to begin. It’s been an interesting year for us all. I’m keeping it together… with help! I don’t quite have anything to talk about. Same 4 walls day after day. I’ve picked up my guitar meaningfully for the first time in probably 10 years. That’s about it… well, I actually bought a new one for my birthday gift to myself. Anyway! Hang in there everyone.
So a birthday in a pandemic… that’s new for me. It’s been a wild few weeks for all of us… to feel like your holding up a place every time you walk in. To see your doctor via FaceTime. Losing a city sized part of our population. But this is life now.
It was all in all an okay day. We had some sun for once!
The other day this lyric concept popped in my head. Naturally I chose not to write it down.
Probably would have been one of the saddest things I’ve written.
I used to think it was normal. To sit up all night thoughts racing… weighted chest. Evidently it isn’t. Last night was rough… I don’t think I slept most of it. I’ve been fortunate though, these nights have lessened as time has progressed. I was inclined to run away from the feeling… I don’t think they’d want me reporting to work at 4am. So I sat with the feelings and thoughts until they were gone.
I’m done explaining. I’m done caring if I make sense to anyone. I’m done worrying if you take this personally.
Awake in the late hours. Holding you. Remembering the first time we did that. Present fears eating me. Clinging to that first moment we woke up with one another…
So much light in the room, in so many senses. The gratitude of that morning… something I committed to remembering then in that moment.
Because I refocused on that moment until I woke up this morning… to sunshine in that very same room.
Extra dog in bed… all of us akimbo. Fucking smell of Frito lay chips and all.